


Night

by StellaBGibson



Series: Night and Day [1]
Category: The Fall (TV 2013), The X-Files
Genre: F/F, Healing, Miscarriage, pregnancy loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-19 06:34:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29746449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellaBGibson/pseuds/StellaBGibson
Summary: Stella deals with a devastating loss in amongst trying to solve the case. With Rose found she has to learn how to let Scully be there for her to help her heal.
Relationships: Stella Gibson & Dana Scully, Stella Gibson/Dana Scully
Series: Night and Day [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186319
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is so much longer than my other chapters but it didn't feel right to split it anywhere.
> 
> I just realised I credited the image on Twitter but not on here I don’t think! Credit goes to the-pink-posse on tumblr 🥰
> 
> TW!!!  
> TW for miscarriage, description of miscarriage, and past pregnancy losses
> 
> I'll keep on top of the TWs in the notes for each chapter!
> 
> HUGE thank you to Immy for encouraging me (as always) and for reading this over with me a million times until I was happy with it. And also to bisexualreina for reading over the first 75% of this before I said screw it and added more :D and also for naming both the fic and the series because i am TERRIBLE at it!

Gail McNally looked up at the sound of an uncomfortable sigh from her boss. Stella didn’t look good. She was pale and it was clear she was trying to hide whatever discomfort she was feeling. She’d been that way ever since the doctor had given them a room to sit in while they waited on news of Rose and Spector’s conditions.

“Gail, would you mind asking around to see if anyone has any painkillers?”

“Of course, Ma’am.” Gail answered, already on her feet. “Any specific kind?”

Stella shook her head. “Anything, just be discreet.”

With a nod, Gail left the room in a bid to find any of their colleagues. It shouldn’t be hard, the hospital was still swimming with officers, one of them must have some form of pain relief.

Four unsuccessful attempts later, Gail sighed in frustration, considering whether it would be easier just to find the nearest shop and buy some herself.

“Everything okay?” Gail almost jumped out of her skin and turned to face the doctor regarding her with an odd look. “I’ve heard you ask a number of people for painkillers now, is there anything I can do?”

Gail shook her head, unwilling to say much. He didn’t look convinced. “My boss…”

Realisation took over the doctor’s face and he nodded. He asked her to give them some privacy before he disappeared back to the room in which she’d left Stella.

~X~

Joe O’Donnell frowned in concern when Stella didn’t look up at the sound of his footsteps. The detective was slumped in a chair, one hand clutching her abdomen, bent over with her other arm resting on her knee, her head hanging low and shielding her face with her hair.

“Hey you.” Stella finally looked up at his voice and looked surprised to see him leaning by the doorway. “A little birdie told me you were looking for pain relief.”

Stella’s face dropped as the doctor came to sit a couple of seats over, angling himself to look at her. “She didn’t…”

 **“** No you’re right, she didn’t.” O’Donnell assured her. “I overheard her ask about three different people before I told her I’d come see you. What’s bothering you?”

“It’s fine. I’m fine, really. I can manage without.” Stella brushed him off, curing herself for the unconvincing tone her voice took on.

“Must be something if you’re willing to ask your right hand to go looking for you.” O’Donnell shrugged. “I think she was on the verge of giving up and just driving to the shops before I piped up. So what’s up? And before you try to lie to me. You look like shit, by the way. And I don’t think it’s down to recent events. I’m a doctor remember.”

When the blonde still didn’t open her mouth, he sighed. “Stella, the people who ask for pain relief the loudest are rarely the ones who need it most. The ones who suffer in silence are usually the ones in desperate need. Let me help you.”

She sighed and looked away from him, keeping her eyes on the table in front of them.

“I just have a headache…” one look at the doctor told her he wasn’t buying it. “…and I’m miscarrying again.”

He nodded once with an understanding sigh. “Scale of one to ten. One being not an issue, don’t really notice, and ten being worst pain you’ve ever felt, can’t speak through it. Where would you say your pain level is?”

Stella bit her lip as she considered it for a moment. “A seven, I think.”

O’Donnell stood as she finally met his eyes. “Come with me.”

Her head dropped back against the wall behind her and she let out an involuntary moan of pain, prompting the doctor to hold his hand out to help her up. He carefully steadied her on her feet before guiding her out of the room. They moved through the open area to a private cubicle on the other side of the emergency department.

She was grateful for his attempts to shield her from view of her colleagues though she knew it was futile, their eyes had fallen on her as soon as she had stepped into the open.

Averting her eyes, Stella took a seat on the bed indicated by the doctor, relief filling her when he pulled the curtain around the space as a nurse came to take her details.

“Full name? Including any middle names?”

“Stella Victoria Gibson.”

“Birthdate?”

“Ninth of August nineteen seventy four.”

“Who is your emergency contact? And their relation to you?”

“My sister, Scarlett Gibson-Pierce.”

O’Donnell looked her over carefully while she answered the nurse’s questions. When the young woman turned away, he began his own round of questioning, ensuring not to be patronising in his understanding of her pain.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Eight days.”

“How many weeks were you when your started bleeding?”

“Just over nine.”

“You said ‘again’ earlier when your told me you’re miscarrying, how many times has this happened before?”

“This is number five.”

“I’m sorry.”

Stella only shrugged as the nurse returned to hand a form to Joe to order the painkillers.

“Have your previous miscarriages been similar to each other and this one or do they vary?”

“Generally they’re similar.”

“Can you tell me how they usually go and how they compare to this time?”

Stella sighed. “Usually they’re almost over by now. With the last few the bleeding stopped after seven or eight days, but it’s not extremely heavy. The cramps are bad but no more so than if I was on my period.”

“And this one?” O’Donnell prompted carefully.

“The bleeding is a lot heavier. It’s not showing any signs of stopping soon. The pain is much worse.”

“Have you seen a doctor since it started?”

“Yes, I went to Ulster when I noticed the bleeding.”

“Okay, Stella. I’m gonna have them give you another ultrasound just to see if we can tell what’s going on. I’m sure you’ll know it can take up to fourteen days to pass the tissue, but given your level of pain, I’m not willing to wait that long. It could be the stress you’re under that is behind the excessive pain but I’d rather be safe than sorry, so once you’ve had the scan we’ll get you the painkillers I promised you. Have you eaten today?”

“You think I might need surgery…” Stella seemed to sag at the question. “No. Not since first thing this morning, I haven’t had anything to drink in the last six or so hours either.”

“I won’t lie, the D&C is a possibility. But it depends on how the scan goes. If you really don’t want it, there are alternatives. Once you go for your scan, you’ll be discharged from my care and a more specialised doctor will take over. They’ll be able to talk you through the procedure and your alternative options.”

“Thank you.”

O’Donnell only nodded, unsure of what to say to her. She spoke up again just as he moved to leave the cubicle.

“Please can you do something for me? Don’t mention this to anyone. PC Ferrington knows, but nobody else even knew I was pregnant. I don’t want to feed the rumour mill.”

“Of course.” O’Donnell wasn’t about to remind her that he was bound by the law not to say anything anyway. “Can we call someone for you? You’ll need someone to take you home later. What about your sister?”

“No. Please don’t. If anything she’ll make this worse.” Stella sighed when she realised what she’d said. It was unlike her to share any personal information but given the details she had just given the doctor, a hint at a strained sibling relationship was nothing.

O’Donnell thankfully didn’t comment on the statement. “Is there anyone you’d rather call? A friend or partner maybe?”

Tears filled Stella’s eyes and the doctor couldn’t help but wonder what he’d accidentally stumbled upon. Stella sighed and he realised that she had been trying for the past week to deal with the miscarriage alone.

“My girlfriend. Dana Scully. She’s a doctor at St Thomas’ Hospital in London. She should be at work but I can give you her private number just in case.”

“Of course. I’ll have someone call her now.” O’Donnell said, jotting down the number from Stella’s phone screen.

“Thank you. For everything.” Stella gave him a strained smile as an orderly appeared to take her for the ultrasound.

~X~

Stella was vaguely aware of someone saying her name.

“Leave the mask on and just lie still for now.”

With a soft sigh, Stella peeled her eyes open, waiting for them to focus. When they did, the time shown on the clock opposite her bed surprised her.

“What happened?” Her voice was groggy and it took more effort than she expected to turn her head to look at the woman to her left.

“You had your surgery, love.” The nurse was kind as she carefully removed the oxygen mask now that the blonde was awake. “The doctor will be back shortly to speak with you and then we’ll move you back upstairs before we send you home.”

Stella only nodded and closed her eyes again. Her body still felt heavy but she knew it was just the effects of the anaesthesia that had yet to wear off. She forced her eyes open again at the sound of a different voice saying her name and was met with the sight of her doctor standing at the end of her bed.

“Hi, Stella. How are you feeling?” She barely managed a soft, tired groan before the doctor smiled and continued. “The procedure went well. Now that you’re awake we’ll call the nurses to come take you back upstairs to recover. You may have a backache or cramps similar to menstrual cramps, you may pass small blood clots for the next few days. It’s possible you might have some light bleeding for a few weeks but if it becomes heavier come back and see us. You’ll probably be back to normal within a day or two but it is normal to be uncomfortable for a few weeks. Any questions?”

Stella shook her head, she still felt foggy and was sure she hadn’t taken in a word the doctor had said.”

“If you have any later just ask one of your nurses.”

The woman smiled before she disappeared, leaving Stella to close her eyes again for a brief moment. She recognised the sounds of the nurses’ voices. They’d been kind and helpful before she’d been taken for the surgery, they had informed her that Dana was leaving work to find a flight to Belfast. They had even offered to coordinate with Dani to ensure Dana wasn’t left stranded at the airport. It was well beyond their job description and she appreciated it greatly.

“There’s a rather worried redhead waiting upstairs for you. She’s barely sat down since she got here.”

A wave of guilt washed over Stella and made her stomach clench. She hadn’t even told Dana she was pregnant never mind informed her of the miscarriage. Now it felt like it would be a punch in the gut to her girlfriend for her to find out this way.

“How much does she know?” Stella asked as the nurses wheeled her bed into the elevator.

“Only that you were admitted through A&E for a small surgical procedure. Legally we’re not allowed to tell her anything else. We did try to assure her that it was nothing life threatening and that you’ll be able to go home tonight, but I don’t think she’ll believe us until she sees you for herself.”

The guilt only intensified the nearer to the ward they got. Stella knew that Dana would be in the waiting room but she doubted she’d have more than a few moments alone to get her story straight. She sighed and dragged a hand over her face.

They had barely been together for two months, had only squeezed in a handful of real dates and now here she was. The redhead had dropped everything and flown to Belfast without question, despite knowing nothing of the baby Stella had just lost.

She should’ve known. Stella knew that now. She wished she’d told Dana earlier. Instead of telling her she’d been pregnant and now wasn’t all in one breath. She wouldn’t be surprised if Dana got upset. Or even left her. It was understandable. She’d known she was pregnant the entire time. Hell, the whole thing had been meticulously planned. There would be no dancing around the truth now. Dana deserved that at the very least.

She was still groggy as the nurses transferred her back into the bed she’d been in before the surgery, thanking them when they placed the extra two blankets over her.

“Is it okay if we let her in now or do you need a few minutes?”

Stella gave the nurse a small smile and a shake of her head. “She can come in.”

It was barely two minutes later when Stella heard the hurried footsteps approaching her room. She felt hot tears burning her eyes at the sight of her worried girlfriend and as soon as Dana took a step towards her, the dam broke.

Stella sobbed the way she hadn’t allowed herself to all week, letting go of all the heartbreak she had been carrying since her first trip to the hospital. Dana was quick to carefully wrap her in a comforting hug, perching on the edge of the bed.

“My baby…”

Dana’s heart plummeted at the broken whisper that was choked out on a sob and she pulled back ever so slightly to look at Stella’s teary face. The blonde shut her eyes and swallowed a lump in her throat, refusing to look up as she tried again, her voice cracked, still barely above a whisper.

“I lost my baby.”

Dana said nothing. There was nothing she could say to take Stella’s pain away so instead she pulled the blonde back into her, cradling her head against her chest. “I’m so sorry.”

They stayed that way for what felt like hours. At some point a nurse appeared to drop off some toast and a cup of tea for Stella, accepting a wordless nod of thanks from Dana on her way out.

Dana’s mind was spinning as she sat on the bed, holding Stella to her chest. She had never seen Stella shed a tear much less cry so openly. The sobs had softened but Stella had yet to move and Dana wasn’t about to force her. She would hold her for as long as she needed. She had so many questions but now absolutely was not the time. Stella would tell her when she was ready, and until then, she wouldn’t push it.

“I’m sorry.” Stella’s soft voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she frowned in confusion as the blonde sat up. “I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. What are you sorry for?” Dana asked softly, her eyes searching her girlfriend’s face.

“I’m sorry I- I didn’t tell you an- anything.” The sobs came back with a vengeance as she hiccupped her way through the statement. “I understand if you- you want to go.”

Dana’s heart broke. “No. _No_. Don’t say sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for, Stella.”

The blonde shook her head and took in a gasping breath. “I should ha- have told you.”

“It’s okay. I promise it’s okay.” Dana assured her, reaching across in an attempt to wipe the fresh tears from under the blonde’s eyes. “Take a nice deep breath for me. Follow my breathing.”

Stella did as she was told, mimicking Dana’s exaggerated breathing until it was easier to fill her lungs again.

“Good. Now I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m not leaving here without you.”

“You didn’t have to come all the way here for me.”

Dana shook her head. “I didn’t want you to be alone.”

Stella said nothing but met the redhead’s eyes for a moment, showing her gratitude. She felt sick and she didn’t particularly want to ingest anything but she found herself unable to refuse Dana when she tentatively suggested she drink the tea and try the toast the nurse had brought.

With the tea and toast finished, Stella took a deep breath and looked up at Dana’s face. “I should have told you.”

Dana sighed. She wished she’d known Stella was pregnant, wished she’d known that something was wrong. But there was nothing she could do about it now. All she could do was be there for the blonde. “It’s okay. What can I do to help you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can I just hold you?” Dana asked. She waited for Stella’s nod before she kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed, settling them both against the pillows.

It was a few hours later that they both stirred awake to the sound of a nurse entering the room.

“Sorry to disturb you both. I’m Jess.” Jess smiled softly after introducing herself. “How are you feeling Stella?”

Stella took a moment, she was sure the nurse wouldn’t appreciate it if she just said _‘numb’_. “I’m okay. When can I go home?”

“That’s why I’m here. You’ve had something to eat and drink and you have someone who can stay with you for the next twenty four hours. So if you’re able to get to the bathroom and have a pee, we can discharge you. There’s no rush though, so just take your time. If you need anything just press your button.”

“Thank you.”

With the nurse gone, Dana pushed herself into a more upright position while Stella remained against the slightly raised mattress. “How are you really feeling?”

Stella sighed sadly. “Like shit. Everything still feels heavy and the cramps are uncomfortable.”

“Painful?”

Stella shook her head. “No. Not anymore. Just uncomfortable now.”

“Do you feel ready to try to get to the bathroom? I can help you if you need it.” Dana offered as Stella nodded and pushed herself upright, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. “Oh wait there, I’ll go find some socks for you to wear. You really don’t wanna walk barefoot in a hospital bathroom.”

The blonde did as she was told and waited until Dana returned with a pair of grippy hospital socks and helped her put them on. One slightly unsteady walk to the bathroom and back later, they were back on the bed.

Before either one could say anything there was a knock at the door and they turned to see Jess standing in the doorway, her arms full of Stella’s belongings.

“Dr O’Donnell sent these up while you were asleep.”

Stella thanked her and she simply nodded before leaving the two women alone again. With the door closed, Stella started looking through the bag, searching for whatever comfortable clothes Gail had found for her earlier.

She allowed Dana to untie her gown, not bothering to cover up as she dressed herself, relishing in the soft material of the top. All she wanted was to curl up in bed with Dana and sleep for a week. She wanted to go home. Leave Belfast and all of the heartache it had brought in the past.

It wasn’t until they were nearly in the car park that Stella realised they had no way of getting back to the hotel. But then as if reading her mind, Dana spoke.

“Dani and her partner brought your car while you were in surgery. She gave me the keys and the address of your hotel.”

Stella sighed in relief at the realisation that she wouldn’t have to sit through a taxi ride of small talk. Without a word, she followed Dana through the car park to where Dani said she had left the BMW.

~X~

The journey from hospital to hotel had been wordless. Stella had stared out of the window into the night the entire time while Dana focused on the road, occasionally sending concerned glances to her girlfriend.

Now, Stella was curled up on top of the bed while Dana changed out of the clothes she’d been wearing at work. The blonde sighed when the redhead approached the bed and sat down across from her.

“I know you said I don’t have to be sorry. But regardless of what you say, we both know I should have told you I was pregnant.” Stella began. “I wish I had.”

“I wish you had, but only so that I could have been here for you sooner.” Dana told her and gave her ankle a gentle squeeze. “What happened? We don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to.”

The blonde blew out a long breath and felt tears threatening to sting her eyes again. “This is the fifth time this has happened. Every other time I got pregnant it was an accident. A couple were I was in brief relationships, the other two pregnancies were the results of my careless behaviour in the past. But this time I _planned_ it…

“The last time I was pregnant, I found myself picturing what life would look like with a baby. What they’d look like, what kind of future they’d have, what kind of person they’d be. So when I miscarried it hit me hard. After a while I decided that I’d look into using a donor and going through IVF on my own. And then I did it.” Stella took a deep breath, staring at the duvet as she continued. “I found out it took the day before I met you. At that point I was so happy but terrified to say anything in case it went wrong. But the more time we spent together and the more I got to know you, the more I wanted to tell you. But it never seemed like the right time. I didn’t want to dump it on you and then have you run for the hills. So then I thought I’d tell you after the review. But the case grew, and then…”

“Then?” Dana pushed softly when Stella faltered.

“Then a week, eight days ago, I woke up bleeding I went to a different hospital and they did a scan and there was no heartbeat.” Stella swallowed a lump in her throat and let out a quiet sob. “So I thought that I could cope on my own, that I’d feel a bit better by the time the case was closed and I was coming home. I didn’t want you to be upset with me for not telling you. It was never that I don’t trust you. I was just scared. Of this. But now I know I should’ve.”

“Hey.” Dana gently interrupted Stella’s rambling. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I wish I could’ve been there for you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. I’m glad you called.”

Stella said nothing more but allowed herself to collapse into Dana’s embrace, revelling in the feeling of being held as she let herself cry again.

“I just wanted a baby.”

“You’ll have one.” Dana murmured into Stella’s hair. “I know it hurts but you’ll have one, Stella, I can feel it.”

It was barely five hours later that Dana sat on the bed, watching as Stella dressed herself for work. She’d showered just before they had gone to sleep, determined to get rid of the hospital smell. Dana had dried and styled her hair for her when it became apparent that Stella had lost the will to do it herself.

Now, despite her pleas, Stella was zipping her leather skirt and stepping into her stilettos. She’d been insistent that she had to work. Her pain was nothing in comparison to the victims’ families, and if she was honest, she was in less pain today than she had been in the past week. If she didn’t count emotional pain that was.

Emotionally it seemed like the reality of her loss was just beginning to sink in. She’d been suppressing it for almost nine days, focussing on work and not allowing herself to register what was happening. But upon seeing Dana in the hospital last night, it had all hit her at once. Right now she was feeling more numb than anything else, but she wasn’t sure of the last time she had felt quite this fragile.

“At least let me drive you.”

Stella turned at the sound of Dana’s voice. “I’m okay.”

“I know. But I’m a doctor and you had surgery with a general anaesthetic less than twelve hours ago.”

“Does it count as surgery if they didn’t cut me open?”

Dana sighed and suppressed the urge to roll her eyes at Stella’s almost combative question. Really it seemed more like a statement.

“I know you’re not looking for an answer but yes, actually.” Dana informed her as she stood to get dressed. “Besides it’s not the surgery that’s the issue. It’s the impact of the anaesthetic, you may feel okay but your reaction times may be slower. You shouldn’t even really be going to work but there’s nothing I can do to stop you. Please. Just let me drive you. I know you’re capable. But you don’t have to do everything on your own.”

Stella’s shoulders sagged and she let out a soft sigh with a nod. “Okay.”

“Okay. You can just call me if you want a ride home. No matter the time. Or if Dani or someone is going to bring you, let me know.” Dana told her. “Please don’t sleep in your office tonight. You need a real bed. After tonight, you can do as you usually would. I’ll be fine here. But please not tonight.”

“I’m not a child.” Stella snapped. She softened immediately when she saw Dana’s face fall. “I’m sorry. I know you’re just trying to look out for me. I’m not used to it is all.”

Dana nodded. “I know. I’m sorry for smothering you. I’m just worried. I’m not sure where your head is at right now.”

There was a small silence as Stella stared at the ground. When she looked up her eyes were red with unshed tears. “Neither am I. But I have to go to work.”

“I know.”

~X~

Joe O’Donnell hovered outside the Operation Musicman offices as he waited for the morning briefing to finish. He’d finished work yesterday to a voicemail from DCI Eastwood, asking that he make himself available at the earliest convenience to give a statement regarding his part in treating both Spector and Rose.

It wasn’t long before an officer found him loitering outside and nodded for him to follow her into the office. He’d never been intimidated by the police, he saw enough of them in his line of work that they were just people to him. But something about being led into the middle of a task force briefing, with some of the best officers the city had to offer made him shift uneasily.

He looked around, unsurprised when a man stopped talking and he heard Stella Gibson’s voice. He would’ve liked to think that she would at least have taken the day off, but he realised that that wasn’t in her nature.

O’Donnell looked over her. She gave him a small smile when she noticed his presence but kept talking. She looked like shit. She’d been in surgery when his shift ended at eight and he knew it would have at least been a few hours until she was released afterwards. Her leather skirt and silk shirt wardrobe was no different from the outfits he’d seen on TV, and he realised only now that they may be some kind of safety net.

When he’d seen her in the hospital the day before, she’d started off in a practical pair of trousers and a jumper. By the time McNally had found him, Stella had changed into a slightly less expensive looking skirt and blouse combo. Her hair was no different to usual, either. But he could see the exhaustion in her face. She wore no makeup despite the very little she seemed to wear already, and her eyes were red and tired.

Truthfully, she looked exhausted, and he couldn’t help but wonder if she had managed any sleep last night. He’d seen the worried redhead in the waiting room when he’s taken Stella’s belongings to her nurses, and he wondered if she was somewhere tearing her hair out at the fact that Stella was working already.

He hadn’t noticed when the briefing finished or how it had ended, only when the officers around him began to gather their coffees and head for the exit did he tear his doctor’s eyes away from Stella.

“Doctor O’Donnell, thank you for coming so quickly. We understand you’re busy so this won’t take long.” Stella told him, the professionalism dripping from her voice as she approached. “A couple of my officers are going to take you to one of our interview rooms just down the hall and just ask you a few questions.”

When he nodded his understanding she left before he could say a word, heading for a couple of officers in the corner. “McNally, Martin. Please take Dr O’Donnell and take his statement. I need all the information he can give us about Rose and Spector’s injuries. Absolutely everything he can tell us. Make sure you have video and audio recording. Thank you.”

With that she was gone, making a swift getaway to the room he assumed was her office.

It was barely midday when O’Donnell finally found himself free to leave the station. As he descended the front steps, movement at the curb caught his attention and he raised his eyes from the floor.

He paused when he saw Stella being cradled against the redhead. They were standing by the open passenger side door as the detective sobbed into the other woman’s shoulder. He sighed sadly and lowered his gaze, it felt like he was intruding just by being in the vicinity.

At the sound of a car door slamming, he glanced back over his shoulder and noticed the redheaded doctor staring after him. She gave him a small nod before she climbed into the car and pulled away, leaving him to find his own vehicle.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2! I finished writing this at three o'clock this morning so any mistakes are 100% my own. I have read it over since, but please let me know if there are any glaringly obvious mistakes and I'll fix them!
> 
> TW for mention of Stella's miscarriage and her attack by Spector, also mention of Burns' sexual assault on Stella in her hotel room. Please PLEASE let me know if there any any I've missed!
> 
> Picture is from the-pink-posse on tumblr

Stella felt sick. For the second time in a month she was sitting on a bed in the Accident and Emergency department of Belfast General Hospital. Her chest and abdomen ached and her entire head was throbbing as she waited for a doctor.

Truth be told she was only just starting to feel focused again. From the minute she’d collapsed to the ground, to awaiting the paramedics and the ambulance ride in, she had been almost in a daze. She’d been vaguely aware of Eastwood rushing into the room, instructing Tom Anderson to sit at the table and stay put. He’d knelt down beside her as she attempted to push herself to sit, mortified to be seen in such a state. It had been futile; Eastwood had placed a hand on her shoulder and insisted she stay down. For once, Stella hadn’t fought and had simply lowered her head back onto the cold concrete.

She wasn’t sure how long it had been since the attack, or how long she had been waiting in the hospital. Her mind was too preoccupied with how she was going to break the news to Dana, and what on earth she was going to tell her. It had been a surprise when the redhead had announced that she didn’t have to go back to London. The day after her abrupt departure from work, she had called the hospital and put in for a short leave, citing a family emergency. When Stella had asked about her patients, Dana had simply reminded her that as a trauma doctor, she had no patients. It was her job to treat what she could in the moment before referring people off to other more suited departments.

Stella looked up when she heard footsteps approaching the curtained bay she sat in. It was the same sound she’d been hearing since her arrival except these were the first set that seemed to be heading for her. Sure enough, Joe O’Donnell stepped through the wide gap in the curtains with a small sigh.

“I bet you’re glad I saved his life.”

O’Donnell had been dismayed when he’d seen Stella arrive in the department with a bloodied face and a pain-tensed posture. It was obvious that she’d fought the paramedics on whether or not she could walk herself into the hospital, and while she’d won, she hadn’t seemed steady on her feet.

Stella barely hummed in response and O’Donnell took the hint. “Can you tell me what happened? If not I’m sure there will be someone nearby who can.”

That was when Stella remembered Eastwood saying something about accompanying her, though for the moment she couldn’t figure out whether he had been in the ambulance with her or if he had followed in his car. She took a deep breath.

“I’m not sure, to be quite honest. I was getting up to leave the interview when he hit me. It landed around here.” Stella brought a hand up to touch the tender and already bruised spot on her face. “I think I went backwards and into a table before I hit the wall and fell. I’m not sure if he managed to punch me again but he got a number of kicks in once I was on the ground.”

O’Donnell nodded in understanding. He’d skimmed the intake paperwork from the paramedics and so far most of it was consistent with the injuries he could see. He was more worried about the injuries he couldn’t see.

Stella fell quiet as the doctor explained his course of action. He wanted to x-ray both her face and her chest to check for any fractures. With careful hands, he pressed and prodded at her cheekbone, sending waves of agony through her. She only hoped that as he watched her lie down on the bed, he couldn’t see just how much effort it had taken.

It was a surprisingly short wait for the x-rays and by the time Stella was sitting back in her bay, the radiographer had examined the images and sent them back to O’Donnell.

The doctor had spouted the medical terms for her injuries before he looked at her blank face and corrected himself. “You’ve been lucky. You have a broken cheekbone, but not the kind that required reconstructive surgery. And you only have two broken ribs.”

Stella’s only response was a shallow sigh.

“We’re going to keep you in overnight, just to keep an eye on you. You’ll be on a soft diet for a couple of weeks, but after that you should be right as rain. I’ve prescribed you some nice strong painkillers so once you’re taken upstairs a nurse will be by with them for you.” O’Donnell told her, waiting for the inevitable argument. “Can we call anyone for you?”

Stella was about to shake her head when she realised that her phone was still in her office and she had no idea what Dana’s number was. Reluctantly, she asked him to call her girlfriend, making a mental note to ask if Eastwood was still around. If he was she’d have him ask Dani to bring her belongings to the hospital. She only prayed that Dana would have the presence of mind to pack her an overnight bag. The last thing she wanted was to spend all night in a hospital gown again.

It was barely five minutes later that Eastwood poked his head around the curtain, not wanting to intrude. “Stella?”

Stella looked up and sighed when she saw him. Really she’d rather nobody she worked with saw her right now, but that had gone out the window a long time ago. “You really didn’t have to come with me, you know.”

Eastwood nodded. “I know. But I thought someone should be around to explain what happened. The doctor said you needed a favour?”

She nodded. “Could you ask Dani Ferrington to go to my office and collect my things please? My phone, bag, jacket… she’ll know what to take when she gets there.”

“Of course. Will there be anything else?”

“No, that’s all. Please keep me posted on what’s happening. I’ll be back as soon as they let me out.”

Eastwood fought the urge to tell her to rest and take care of herself. He still wasn’t sure what had happened the last time she’d been hospitalised, but he was aware that she’d returned to work less than twenty four hours after some kind of surgical procedure. With nothing else to say, he simply nodded and made his exit.

Stella was glad for another quiet moment alone. It was short-lived, however as just as the curtain fell shut behind Eastwood, an orderly appeared with a wheelchair to take her to a ward upstairs. This time, she didn’t fight the assistance and eased herself off of the bed and onto the chair.

The blonde was flooded with relief when she was given a private room with blinds on the window. She wasn’t sure exactly what it was they wanted to observe, but she was glad it wasn’t serious enough to warrant an open bay by the nurses’ station. Hopefully the thin walls and closed door would help shield her from the hustle and bustle of the ward and allow her to get some sleep.

She thanked the nurse and accepted the offered gown and hospital socks, praying she’d be in her own comfortable clothes soon. She still had no idea if Dana was on her way, or if she was even aware that she was in hospital yet, but she hoped the redhead hadn’t gone into a panic.

There was a knock at the door a few moments later and Stella looked up to see Dani hovering in the doorway.

“Thank you.” Stella gave the young officer a small but grateful smile when she placed her belongings on the chair by her bed.

“Are they keeping you in?”

“They are. I think Dana’s on her way. I’m not sure. She might not be yet. The doctor said they would phone her for me. I’m not sure when she’ll be here.”

Dani nodded. “I found the phone charger in your office so it’s in the bag too, just in case. Here’s your phone.” Dani handed the item over and took a few steps back. “I brought your car. The keys are in your bag, you’re parked in the first row of section D in the car park. I have to go because McNally is waiting for me downstairs, but is there anything else you need, Ma’am?”

“No. Thank you, Dani.” Stella smiled at the young woman’s thoughtfulness as she took her leave.

She spent some time scrolling through her phone, replying to Dana’s frantic messages that she would be on her way ASAP in an attempt to calm her down. She wasn’t sure how long it had been when Joe O’Donnell knocked at her door.

“Mind if I come in?”

“Not at all.”

O’Donnell took the seat by her bed, moving her bag to the floor at his feet. “So how are you? Aside from the obvious?”

Stella sighed. She hadn’t been sure earlier whether to be surprised or not when the doctor hadn’t said anything about their previous encounter. On one hand, his job was to treat her current injuries and he’d done just that. But on the other she could tell he was the type of person who liked to follow up when he could. His questions didn’t seem prying, just genuinely curious and caring. He and Dana were similar that way.

“I’m okay. Better than a few weeks ago, anyway. I think I spent the whole week prior to the surgery just ignoring it and pretending nothing had happened. It didn’t really hit me until I saw Dana after the procedure.” Stella admitted. Something about the doctor made it easy to open up to him, despite how wildly out of character she realised she was acting.

“Dana’s the American redhead?” Stella nodded her confirmation. “How’s she handling it?”

Stella shook her head with a small shrug. “She didn’t even know I was pregnant.”

O’Donnell frowned. “I’m confused.”

“We met the day after I found out the IVF worked.” Stella explained. “It was a lot for her, finding it all out at once, but she’s amazing. She’s sad. She wished I had told her about both the pregnancy and then the loss sooner.”

“She’s travelling back to Belfast?”

“She never went home.” Stella admitted. “She called the hospital the morning after she got here and told them she’d be taking some leave due to a family emergency. She’d keep in contact to let them know when she would be back.”

“You’ve got a good one with her.”

Stella smiled. It was true. It had been just over two months now and she truly wondered what she had done to earn Dana Scully’s affection. It scared her how strongly she felt for the redhead, but she found herself unwilling to change a thing. The thought of Dana leaving her had petrified her and she’d sworn to herself never to give her girlfriend a reason to leave.

“I have.”

“What kind of doctor is she?”

“Same as you. I tried to convince her that I was fine and that her patients needed her but she was swift to assure me that she doesn’t technically have any. She patches them up as best she can and then passes them off to other people. Or at least she said something to that effect.”

“Sounds about right.” O’Donnell chuckled. “I’m glad you’ve got someone to lean on. Even if it’s hard to admit you need it sometimes.”

Stella raised her uninjured eyebrow at him but neither said anything else. They fell into a comfortable silence for a while, simply enjoying the quiet. It was Stella who broke it.

“I’m surprised.”

O’Donnell frowned in confused. “By what?”

“How much information you’ve managed to get out of me by just asking simple questions. It’s not like me to open up so easily.”

The doctor smiled and gave a small chuckle. “Part of it could be the nice heavy duty painkillers in your system. And sometimes it’s easier to talk to those you don’t know. And those you don’t have to worry about maintaining a professional appearance with. Part of it could just be that you needed to talk and you didn’t realise it until now.”

Stella sighed. He made good points. “Shouldn’t you be going home?”

O’Donnell nodded and moved to push himself out of his chair. “Take care of yourself. Or at the very least, let Dana take care of you. She’s a doctor, remember.” The doctor threw in a light hearted chuckled as he made for the door. “And while I do enjoy your company, I don’t particularly want to see you in my emergency department again. At least not as a patient.”

“I’ll try my best. Thank you.”

Almost as soon as the door closed behind O’Donnell, Stella’s mind drifted back to work. She had no idea of the state of things after the interview. So far, she still had no idea how injured exactly Anderson was but that would be easy enough to find out.

She thought back over the first time she’d sat face to face with Spector. When he informed her that he saw the women he stalked as projects. There was one statement he’d thrown at her that had been playing on a loop in her head ever since the interview.

_‘You’re a barren spinster, so you wouldn’t know, but small children take up all your time.’_

The words had hit her like a tonne of bricks and she’d found herself fighting to keep the tears from showing themselves as she stared Spector down. Of course he’d bring it up. He’d read her fucking diary and she knew that he’d use anything he could against her. She’d naively hoped that he wouldn’t go there, but it seemed he’d take any opportunity to cause her pain. Even the comment about her father hadn’t hurt as much as the jab at her inability to stay pregnant.

She wasn’t aware of the tears now streaming down her face, nor of Dana’s arrival, until the redhead whispered her name. Stella almost jumped out of her skin at the sound. She looked up and saw Dana by her side, worry written all over her face.

“Stella…”

“I’m okay.” Stella wasn’t even fooling herself with the husky tone in her voice.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?” Dana asked, her eyes scanning her girlfriend’s injured face. “What did the doctor say?”

“Fractured cheekbone, I think. And two broken ribs. They stitched my eyebrow too.”

Dana’s face paled slightly. “Do you need surgery?”

Stella shook her head. “Just a soft diet for a while.”

The fear on Dana’s face hadn’t lessened any and Stella let out a soft sigh when the redhead’s thumb gently swiped the tears from her cheeks. She lingered a moment on the bruised and swollen left side, ghosting over the purple marks.

“Stella what happened?” Dana paused for a moment, searching her face. “Why were you crying? You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready, but I’m here whenever you are.”

Stella awkwardly shifted over in the bed, trying not to jostle her ribs as she made space for her girlfriend to join her. She patted the bed when Dana faltered and gave a small smile when the redhead gave in.

Before she settled, Dana took the control for the bed and pressed the button to lower the top half, allowing Stella to lie back without too much pain. Once Stella was comfortable, Dana carefully lay down beside her. All she wanted was to wrap the blonde in her arms and protect her but she didn’t want to hurt her in the process.

“It’s okay. Come here.” Stella wrapped an arm around Dana and pulled her in close.

She smiled when Dana’s head came to rest on her shoulder and she asked which ribs were injured. Upon answering, Stella felt Dana’s hand carefully move to rest protectively over the injuries. She tightened her hold on her girlfriend, ensuring the redhead was tucked into her side.

The room was dark save for a trickle of light from the hallway and it was only once she was sure Dana had relaxed that Stella began to talk.

“I was interviewing Spector again, with the DS who was the arresting officer. We had him cornered when it was decided it was time to take a break. He was there with both of his solicitors and as Anderson and I made to leave, he lunged at me and attacked me. I think it was the first punch that caught my cheek. I started to fall and I he managed to get another punch in. When I was on the ground he kicked me a few times. Anderson tried to stop him and I believe he was injured badly in the process. I don’t remember much.”

“Did they check your head?”

Stella had to stop herself from laughing at the way the authoritative doctor in Dana barged past the worried girlfriend. “No. But they don’t believe I have a head injury.”

“You might have a concussion, even if you didn’t hit your head exactly. Did they check your eyes? Muscle strength? Have you had any neck pain?”

Stella paused for a moment just before she could brush off Dana’s questions. For once, she tried to put herself in her girlfriend’s shoes. She knew she could be a hard person to read, even harder to comfort at times. It wasn’t unusual for her to turn in on herself and push Dana away. So maybe the questions were Dana’s way of helping. It was something she knew how to do, assess and treat injuries just like the ones she was currently sporting.

“They blinded me a number of times, they made me turn my head to either side, felt my neck. They did check my strength, reflexes and nerves I believe. I haven’t had any pain in my neck, or any headaches. My face hurts and my whole body feels stiff, but I’m okay, Dana. I will be, I promise.”

Dana let out a soft sigh and lifted her head for a moment to search Stella’s face in the near darkness. “Thank you. Do you need more painkillers?”

Stella shook her head. “I just had some about an hour ago. They’ve not long taken effect.”

There was a heavy silence following the statement and Stella could feel Dana almost bursting to ask about the tears again. She appreciated the restraint, knowing that Dana just wanted to help her.

“I wasn’t crying because of the interview or the attack.” Stella began. “Remember I told you that Spector was in my hotel room? He read my dream diary. The first time I interviewed him he called me a barren spinster. I was thinking of it before you arrived. I didn’t even realise I was crying or that you had arrived until you said my name.”

Dana’s heart clenched at the revelation. Stella hadn’t told her this either and she tried not to take it personally. “I’m so sorry, Stel.”

“He also seems quite certain that my father molested me, and if he didn’t then I wanted him to… but somehow that didn’t hurt quite so much as the reminder that I don’t have a child.”

“You will one day. If it’s what you want then it’ll happen. I’m sure of it.”

Stella said nothing, simply pulled Dana tighter into her again before she let herself drift into a painkiller assisted sleep.

Dana couldn’t bear to close her eyes, afraid that if she did she’d see Stella being used as a serial killer’s punching bag.

~X~

Stella groaned in discomfort as she pulled herself into a sitting position. A knock at the door had woken her and she was almost surprised to see that Dana was still fast asleep. The door opened slowly to reveal a shocked-looking Matt Eastwood. Instead of entering he hovered in the doorway, unsure of whether to go any further.

“You can come in.” Stella told him as she gave Dana’s hip a squeeze to wake her.

Dana grumbled as she took in her surroundings. Waking up disoriented in a hospital was nothing new to her, it happened almost every time she worked a nightshift. But waking up in a hospital room wasn’t normal and she gasped as she remembered the events of the previous evening.

“Stella?”

Eastwood took one look at the seemingly intimate moment and mumbled something about coffees before disappearing.

“I’m fine.” Stella assured her quickly. She waited a moment for Dana to focus before speaking again. “Why don’t you go back to the hotel to change?”

Dana shook her head. “I brought you a change of clothes. I forgot last night. I brought myself some too just in case. What’s wrong?”

Stella was relieved, by the time Dana had arrived last night she no longer cared about the hospital gown she was wearing, but if she was going to be stuck here for the day she’d rather have her own clothes.

“Someone from work stopped by. He’s gone to get coffee but he won’t be long.”

“Do you want me to go?”

Stella shook her head. “You can stay. I don’t know why he’s here though so he may ask you to leave if it’s sensitive information.”

Dana nodded in understanding. “I’ll help you change first.”

Stella opened her mouth to protest and moved to untie the gown only for her ribs to scream in protest at the movement. The shot of pain took her breath away momentarily and it was then that she realised that she had ignored the painkillers the nurses had brought her almost four hours ago. She’d skipped out on an entire dose and now she was paying for it.

Dana said nothing but pulled Stella’s clothes from the bag. She produced two slightly oversized hoodies of her own that she knew Stella liked along with a pair of black leggings and a pair of thick fluffy socks. It was the kind of comfort outfit that Stella wore on the lazy mornings together after their dates.

“I also brought these, just in case you don’t want anyone from work seeing you in just a hoodie.” Dana told her and she pulled out a soft bralette that also belonged to her, and a plain white long sleeved top of Stella’s. “Or you can wear it all if you’re cold.”

Stella nodded. She wasn’t sure if it was the temperature of the hospital, her body’s reaction to yet another trauma, or what is was, but she was hot one minute and freezing the next.

Dana helped Stella turn her back to the door before she untied the gown. She sucked in a breath when she saw the dark bruises forming over the blonde’s abdomen and ribs, wrapping around her side. Saying nothing, she eased the bralette over Stella’s head, followed by the white top. The hoodies were left at the foot of the bed for now and Dana crouched to slide the underwear and leggings up Stella’s legs until she needed to stand.

Once on her feet, Stella pulled the leggings up before reaching for the socks. When she attempted to bend to pull them on, she gasped at he pain in her ribs again. Wordlessly, Dana took the socks and slipped them on.

“Which one do you want?”

Stella turned her attention away from her hair and found Dana also in fresh comfortable clothes, holding up the hoodies. One was plain grey and the other, though also grey, had a logo on the left breast that Stella had yet to be able to identify.

“Which one is clean?”

“This one.” Dana held up the one with the logo and made to hand it to Stella when the blonde shook her head.

“Can I have the one that smells like you?”

Dana was caught off guard by how small Stella sounded in that moment and she found herself unable to do anything but nod and hand over the plain hoodie. She was tempted to tell Stella that really it only smelled like her perfume, a bottle of which was also in the bag, but she bit her tongue.

Before the conversation could go any further, there was a knock at the door.

“Come in.”

Eastwood awkwardly shuffled through the door balancing a cardboard tray of takeaway coffee cups. Dana quickly crossed the small room and held the door for him, allowing him to place the cups on the tray table beside Stella’s bed.

“Dana this is DCI Matt Eastwood, my deputy SIO. Matt this is my girlfriend, Dana.”

“I’m sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.” Eastwood said as he shook Dana’s hand. “I’m also afraid that I’m going to have to ask you to step out while I talk to Stella. I did bring you coffee, though I wasn’t sure how you took it.”

“So long as it’s caffeinated it’ll be okay.” Dana smiled and thanked him when he handed her the cup. She looked at Stella and noticed the pensive look on her face. “I won’t go far.”

Stella shocked Dana when she caught her wrist and pulled her back towards the bed. She placed a soft kiss on the redhead’s cheek, earning herself one pressed to the top of her head before she let go and allowed Dana to leave.

With the door closed she turned to see Eastwood looking baffled. “What?”

“Nothing. Except it almost feels like when you’d meet a teacher from school in the supermarket. Like you forgot they have a life outside of the classroom.”

“I’m not allowed to have a life outside of the station?” Stella raised an eyebrow.

“Of course you are. It’s just bizarre seeing you in comfortable clothes, I’ve never seen you with your hair up, and it felt like an intrusion watching you with your partner.”

Stella’s response was cut off by a nurse coming to deliver her highly anticipated next dose of painkillers. She thanked the young woman when she also deposited a plastic jug of water and a cup near the coffees. Once the woman was gone, Stella ignored Eastwood and downed the three tablets with one gulp of water, grimacing as she swallowed.

“Here.” Eastwood noticed and pushed her coffee towards her.

“Thank you.” Stella sighed after taking a sip of the surprisingly good beverage. “What can I do for you?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Burns.”

Stella fought the urge to groan aloud. If there was one thing she didn’t want to do right now it was talk about Jim Burns. Topped only by actually having to talk to him maybe.

“I was with him monitoring the interview when you were attacked. He had a very strong reaction. He was drunk. He said some things that I’d like to run past you.”

This time Stella did groan. She held up a hand for Eastwood to wait a moment as she raised the top of her bed and eased herself to lean back against it, letting her head fall back onto the pillow.

“What has he been saying now?”

Eastwood sighed, unsure of where to start. “A number of things. First, that you knew about his drinking. Second, that you two have a very long romantic and sexual history. Third, that he was in your hotel room the same night as Spector. The fourth was that he thinks he may have assaulted you that night, but he’s unsure. And the fifth… the last time you were hospitalised, he said it was nothing to do with the shooting, instead it was relevant to something Spector said the first time you interviewed him.”

Stella was glad for the painkillers as they took hold. They dulled her reactions and while she was still absolutely livid at Jim for his revelations, it thankfully wasn’t going to be Eastwood that caught the brunt of her anger. He was only the messenger after all.

“I’m opening and inquiry into Burns’ conduct. I’ll do my best to avoid calling you to testify, but I can’t promise it won’t happen. What I do need though, is for you to give me your version of events for everything I just listed.”

The anger at Jim cut through the drug-induced brain fog and Stella took another sip of her coffee before she began her answer.

“I’ve known Jim for a very long time. When I first met him, I realised he was heavily reliant on alcohol. I found him a number of organisations that could help him sober up and by the next time we met he hadn’t had a drink in over a year. It’s been on and off but it wasn’t until recently that I realised he was drinking again. I’m not sure whether it started prior to or during the case.” Stella explained.

“That romantic relationship Burns speaks of is very much in his head. I slept with him, once, around fifteen maybe twenty years ago now. That’s all it’s ever been, except it’s become clear to me that he cannot let it go and move on. He’s told me on numerous occasions that he would end his marriage and leave his children for me. I’ve told him every time that it would be a mistake.”

“And your hotel room? Did he assault you?”

“You’ve seen the footage from the hallway, yes? Then you’ll know that Jim was in my room that night. He arrived just after I did, very drunk. He was going on about Monroe, and then about how you called him weak. Then he started begging me to help him ‘forget’ I said no and he wouldn’t stop. I hit him and he backed off. I believe Spector left my room while I was in the bathroom cleaning up Jim’s nose.”

Eastwood let out a very heavy, very tense sigh and rubbed a hand over his face. “Are you okay?”

Stella nodded. “I’m fine. He didn’t get anywhere with it.”

“You don’t have to answer this one if it’s too personal, but Burns relating your hospitalisation to Spector’s interview, what’s that all about?”

Stella sighed. So far she’d managed to keep the news of her miscarriage between herself and Dani when it came to work. As far as everyone else knew she had taken ill while in the hospital after the shooting.

“I was pregnant.” Stella admitted. “I lost it and had to have a minor surgery. Spector made a comment about me being barren, that’s what Jim’s on about.”

Eastwood sighed sadly. “I’m sorry, Stella. I’ll keep it between us. Is anyone else aware?”

“Dani Ferrington knows. She drove me to the hospital when it first happened and helped Dana get here. It’ll be in my medical file by now, I’m sure. So anyone with the credentials can access it.”

Eastwood nodded. “I’m afraid that’s why I had to ask. I believe Burns may have accessed your files without a legitimate reason.”

“For fuck sake.” Stella cursed and closed her eyes.

She was surprised when she had to force them open again and blinked to bring her focus back to Eastwood. The man noticed and stood. “I’ll leave you to your recovery now. I’ll keep you up to date with the case if you wish. When you’re up to it, I’ll need to take a statement from you regarding Burns. But there’s no hurry yet. Let me know if there’s anything we can do to help you out.”

Stella nodded as he left and barely registered Dana’s return. She was vaguely aware of Dana’s arms wrapping around her and pulling her close as she fell asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! I feel this chapter is a little dialogue heavy but I hope it's still okay! <3 thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's now 1:30 am and this is completely unbeta'd so please tell me if there are any errors and I'll fix them in the morning! :)
> 
> TW for talk of miscarriage, Stella's attack and Spector's suicide!
> 
> PLEASE let me know if there are any warnings I've missed!

Dana hadn’t been surprised when Stella had gone back to work against her doctor’s orders. She’d taken a single day after her release from hospital before she was donning her heels and silk blouses again and leaving for the station.

She had been surprised however, when Stella announced that she’d like Dana to join her for the day. It may not be an exciting day for her, not being able to do much but sit in Stella’s office or find somewhere for coffee, but she wasn’t going to say no. The fact that Stella was asking at all meant that she was struggling. Even in the immediate aftermath of the surgery, she’d insisted on going to work alone. She’d taken two half days before normal service resumed.

She had been waiting in the hallway of the juvenile facility when Stella found out about Spector’s suicide. The blonde had been impossible to read when she had exited the interview room and explained that they had to go to the Foyle Clinic.

The drive had been tense and for the first time, Dana felt truly uneasy in Stella’s presence. She still had no idea what was going on but she knew whatever it was had to be astronomically bad in Stella’s eyes.

Her heart dropped when they arrived and she caught sight of the ambulance parked outside, the paramedics loading a stretcher inside. The car park was full of police vehicles and she felt the tension growing as she followed Stella through the hallways.

Dana took a breath as they turned a corner to see officers in forensic suits milling around in front of one of the rooms. Stella still hadn’t said a word since they’d left Katie Benedetto’s facility. She lingered in the background as Stella took in the carnage in front of her.

Stella’s eyes were glued to Spector’s body. She’d barely noticed the techs swarming the room, taking pictures of both men. Regardless of his past actions, Mark Bailey was another victim of Paul Spector who would never see justice.

She inhaled sharply at the feeling of Dana’s hand on the small of her back, gently guiding her away from the mess. She let herself be led back down the hallway towards the exit, barely looking up at the sound of Tanya Reed-Smith’s questioning voice.

Once outside, the two women stopped to take a deep breath of the cold night air. No matter the length of their careers, neither would ever get used to the brutality one person could bring upon another.

Stella took a few more strained breaths, surrendering the car keys to Dana at the redhead’s request. As they moved towards the car, something caught on the pathway caught Stella’s eye and she bent to collect it as Dana climbed into the driver’s seat.

She paused, unfolding the bill as she took in the scrawled note written in harsh black pen.

He who loves not abides in death

She shook her head and stuffed the note into her pocket before quickly climbing into the car, ignoring the questioning stare from her girlfriend.

“Back to work?” Dana asked, already knowing the answer.

“Back to work.” Stella nodded.

~X~

Stella was eerily quiet as she perched against a desk, waiting to begin the task force briefing. Eastwood was just as silent, Burns was conveniently missing, and the rest of the team, as if sensing something wasn’t right, were quiet too. The only noise in the room was the low mumble of partners talking quietly amongst themselves.

Dana wasn’t sure what strings Stella had pulled that allowed her to sit in on the announcement of Spector’s death. But on the other hand she wouldn’t be surprised if Stella had simply brought her in and said nothing. The impression she got was that nobody on the task force would question their boss, except for maybe Eastwood. She was sure he wouldn’t say anything though.

With the last few officers now present, everyone turned their attention to Stella and Eastwood as they waited side by side for the silence.

“Good evening everyone, thank you for coming together so late.”

There was a chorus of ‘evening Ma’am’ and a brief pause before Stella continued.

“I know there are other places all of you would rather be, so I won’t beat around the bush here. Earlier this evening, Paul Spector committed suicide. Staff at the Foyle Clinic made efforts to resuscitate him but they were unsuccessful, and he was pronounced dead at the scene. It is believed that prior to his death, Spector launched a violent attack on Doctor Larson, he’s receiving treatment at Belfast General but we have no update on his condition as of yet. He also attacked another resident at the facility, Mark Bailey. He was also pronounced dead at the scene.”

Stella took a deep breath and looked around the faces staring back at her. “I want to thank you all for the hard work and long hours you’ve put in for the duration of this case. I’m very sorry that this is how it has turned out, however the hard work isn’t over yet. As I’m sure you’ll all know, there will be an investigation into how this was allowed to happen. This will run alongside the inquiry into our treatment of Sally-Ann Spector, the shooting in the forest, and one or two others which I am not yet at liberty to discuss. Most if not all of you will be asked to give statements to the investigating officers.

“We must ensure that this case is as airtight as possible. The victims’ families may have been cheated out of justice, but that doesn’t mean we can get sloppy now. I want all loose ends tied up, dot your Is, cross your Ts.” Stella told them. “As for funding, we now have none. Should anything come up that you feel is worth investigating or following up, please come to either myself or DCI Eastwood for approval first. Any unauthorised overtime has also been suspended.”

Stella looked over the room again, scanning the shocked and dismayed faces of her team. “Does anyone have any questions?” Silence. “If not, then you are all free to go. If you do end up with any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Dana let her eyes follow Stella’s and took in the members of the task force as they processed the news. Some expressions were unreadable, like Stella’s had been, others were more open. There was a heavy atmosphere and she couldn’t help but feel for them that their sleepless nights and exhausting days had all seemingly been for naught.

As everyone began gathering their belongings, Dana moved towards her girlfriend and reached her just at the same time as DC Martin invited Stella and Eastwood to join the rest of the team for a drink. She missed Eastwood’s response but Stella politely declined, stating that she already had plans.

Dana raised an eyebrow and saw her expression reflected in the faces of the two men beside her. Stella shrugged and once the men were gone, she turned to face Dana fully.

“I was thinking something along the lines of room service and sex if you’re up for it?” Stella stated as Dana grabbed her briefcase before she could even reach in its direction.

“Stella, your ribs are nowhere near healed.”

“Don’t worry.” Stella smirked as they made their way past the remaining officers to the door. “I’ll let you do all the work.”

Dana’s jaw dropped at the suggestive tone in her girlfriend’s voice as McNally and Martin’s heads turned their way. Her cheeks flushed scarlet in embarrassment as Stella turned in the doorway to look at her.

“Well? Are you coming or not?”

Dana let out a small chuckle before following the blonde from the room, wondering just how much gossip they’d just fed to the rumour mill.

~X~

Stella let out a sigh as she opened the door to their hotel room. She could feel the anxious tension almost rolling off of Dana in waves and she wasn’t sure what she’d done to earn her girlfriend’s silence. It worried her. She had spent the drive from work replaying her actions, trying to figure out where she’d gone wrong. She knew she’d gone quiet at the news of Spector’s suicide, and that Dana had been left to her own devices in the run up to the briefing, but all that aside, she wasn’t sure what she had done.

“I’m sorry.”

Dana looked up at the sound of Stella’s voice and frowned in confusion. “What? What are you sorry for?”

“You’ve been quiet. I thought I’d done something wrong or upset you somehow.” Stella admitted. “I’m not very good at these things, and I don’t always see my mistakes until after the fact. I don’t want you to think I’m hurting you on purpose.”

Dana’s face dropped as she crossed the room to take Stella’s hands in her own. “You’ve done nothing wrong. I promise.”

“But…”

Dana pressed a soft kiss to Stella’s lips to cut her off. “I’m just worried about you. But I know you don’t like it when I push so I didn’t want to upset you more.”

Stella shook her head. “I’ll be okay. You’re allowed to be worried. I’m still getting used to having someone who really cares about me. I’m aware that I keep things to myself when I shouldn’t, I try to deal with things alone, but so long as you’re here I’m reminded that I don’t have to do that anymore…

“This case has been hard, and I’m trying not to let the devastation it has caused seep into my personal life. I realised the other day that it seems impossible to avoid, but the pictures that are in my head, the things I relive when I close my eyes… if I can spare you that, I will.”

Dana’s heart ached for her girlfriend. “I know how harrowing some cases can be. How it sometimes feels like the images will never fade. I remember how it feels to realise that this will be a case that never leaves you. All I want is to be here for you, Stel. Please let me. Talk to me. I understand that you want to shield me from this, but if you can’t talk to me about it, talk to someone else. The turns this case has taken, even just in the time I’ve been here, are enough to knock anyone on their ass. You’re taking the brunt of it all.”

Stella swallowed the lump in her throat and squeezed her eyes closed against the tears that threatened to fall. “I can’t help but wonder… if I had never taken this case, would I still have my baby?”

Dana said nothing but pulled Stella into a tight embrace, mindful of her injured ribs. She cradled the blonde head against her shoulder and let Stella cry for a few moments. When they separated, Dana bent her head to meet her girlfriend’s eyes.

“You can’t think like that. I know it’s hard and it’s painful, but nothing you did or didn’t do caused you to lose your baby. Life can be exceptionally cruel sometimes and that’s all there is to it. It doesn’t make it any easier to process but it is not your fault.”

Stella took a deep breath and nodded. Realistically she knew Dana was right but with her heightened emotions it didn’t feel that way. Every night her thoughts ran wild, wondering what would have happened if the case hadn’t developed, it it had been nothing more than a review. Or even if she had never come to Belfast to begin with. With a sigh she shook herself, wondering wouldn’t do any good and right now her attention should be on Dana.

“I wasn’t joking when I said room service and sex.” Stella stated as she cleaned up her smudged mascara.

“And I wasn’t joking when I said your ribs aren’t healed.” Dana countered. “You can barely move without hurting yourself how do you expect to survive sex?”

“I’ve managed in worse conditions than I’m currently in.”

Dana raised an eyebrow and took a step closer, folding her arms over her chest. “I’m sure you have but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to cause your pain.”

Stella moved in close, taking Dana by the hips and pulling her impossibly close. Their lips were almost touching and Dana could feel Stella’s breath tickling her face. “I like pain.”

Before Dana could respond Stella had captured her lips in a heated kiss. They parted only when they were desperate for air and Stella pressed her forehead to Dana’s.

“If you don’t want to then we won’t.”

Dana could hear the sincerity in Stella’s voice and it touched her. She took a breath. She knew Stella used sex as a crutch and there was no doubt that if Stella was single she’d have already found someone to satisfy her. With a sigh Dana nodded. At least she’d be careful with the blonde’s injuries.

“Just let me do all the work. Promise me.”

Stella nodded and began undressing while Dana did the same. The redhead raised an eyebrow when Stella sat herself on the bed and scooted up to lay her head on the pillows, motioning for Dana to come closer.

“Stella…”

“It’s fine. I promise. Just sit on my fucking face.”

The bluntness of Stella’s request brought a soft chuckle from Dana’s lips as she crawled up the bed. She hesitated for a second, earning herself a raised eyebrow from Stella before she moved to straddle her girlfriend. She felt Stella’s hands come up to grip her thighs, leaving her no choice but to lower herself to the blonde’s face.

Stella hummed, smiling against Dana’s sensitive skin at the sharp gasp the redhead gave at their first contact. It never ceased to amaze her just how turned on she was by Dana’s noises. Stella lapped and sucked at Dana until the redhead was panting and trembling above her. She knew her firm grip on her girlfriend’s thighs would leave marks but she couldn’t bring herself to care as Dana tumbled over the edge.

It was a few moments later that Dana was able to carefully come to lie on the bed beside Stella. She barely took a minute to recover from her high before she moved down the bed and brought Stella’s legs to rest over her shoulders. Looking up at her girlfriend from her place between the blonde’s thighs, Dana sighed.

“Please tell me to stop if it ends up being too much, Stella.”

“I promise.”

Dana wasn’t convinced in the slightest but the way Stella tilted her hips towards Dana’s face was enough to spur her on.

Stella sank her teeth into her bottom lip, one hand coming to support her aching ribs as she tried to focus on the pleasure Dana was giving her. She let out a small whimper as she came, biting her lip once again against her tensed muscles.

The blonde kept her eyes closed, taking shallow, even breaths as she felt Dana come to lie next to her. She didn’t realise she was crying until she felt her girlfriend’s thumb wiping away the tears.

“Are you okay?”

Stella nodded and forced her eyes open. She had no idea specifically what had caused the tears.

There was no sobbing and the tears had subsided, but it was clear the blonde was feeling more fragile than she was comfortable with. Without another word, Dana reached over and turned off the lamps, dragging a heavy blanket over them both before she pulled Stella into her side.

The relaxation was almost instant as Stella melted into her side, one arm still clutching her ribs while the other draped itself over Dana’s torso. It wasn’t long before she fell into a restless sleep, knowing she was safe in the redhead’s embrace.

~X~

The days following Spector’s death had been long and seemingly endless. Stella found herself buried beneath mountains of paperwork and had insisted that Dana go back to work. She may still be injured but she would be okay. She was spending all day every day planted behind a desk signing forms and filling out forms until her hand hurt. Her nights were spent lingering in her office, staring at the various pages pinned to the walls, wondering how she had managed to fuck up so badly.

The case had cost her more than she could have possibly imagined upon her arrival in Belfast. Her hand drifted to her stomach at the thought, cradling the space where her baby should have been growing. She wasn’t aware of the tears spilling over her cheeks until a knock at the door caused her to jump out of her skin. It was a new development, the frequency with which she zoned out and got lost in her own thoughts, usually ending up with her rushing to hide her tears from people who were relative strangers.

Tonight she didn’t have the energy to bother hiding her emotions as she turned in her seat to see Tanya Reed-Smith hovering awkwardly in the doorway.

“I can come back tomorrow?”

Stella shook her head and dropped the pen she’d been fiddling with in order to use her sleeve to dry her eyes. “It’s fine. What can I do for you?”

“I heard you’re leaving tomorrow. I just wanted to stop by and say I’m sorry for how things ended. I know it’s the last result you wanted.” Tanya answered. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay. It’s been a horrible case and I can’t imagine how it’s been for you.”

Stella sighed as the pathologist took a seat on the couch across from her desk. “In the past, at the end of a difficult investigation, when asked if I’d still do it again given the opportunity, the answer has always been yes. There are cases that will stick with you for life, that take a part of you with them when closed. But this one…”

Stella took a deep breath in an attempt to keep fresh tears at bay. “This one took something I can’t get back. And I’ve been questioning my decision to come to Belfast ever since.”

Tanya frowned in confusion. “You’ve lost me I’m afraid.”

“I’ve fucked up so many times. I’ve lost my professional reputation, potentially my position at the Met. I lost my private journal, now published as evidence for anyone and everyone to see. I lost my ability to keep a level head. I don’t trust my gut anymore. I’ve always had strong instincts, but it seems that every choice I’ve made over the course of this case has been the wrong one. I’m not sure how I can do my job if I can’t rely on my instinct. And the worst part is that everything I’ve just listed isn’t even the half of it. In fact it pales in comparison…”

The detective looked down to the hand still resting on her stomach and Tanya followed her gaze. “When you told me about your children and asked if I had any, I said no. It’s not by choice. I was pregnant when I got here… and there’s something screaming at me that if I had just stayed in London, I still would be…”

“What did the doctor say?”

“There was no obvious reason for the miscarriage. It could have been anything.” Stella answered. “I have a long history of failed pregnancies and they’ve never found anything wrong.”

Tanya nodded in understanding. “I’m sorry that you’ve been through all of this. And you may not want to hear it, but there’s every chance that this could have happened if you had stayed in London. There’s no proof that stress from the case was the cause.”

“My girlfriend said the same. Countless times. I got my hopes up this time around when I shouldn’t have. Especially not so early.”

“It’s human nature.” Tanya replied softly. “Was it your girlfriend who was with you at the Foyle Clinic?”

Stella nodded. “I didn’t tell her what had happened until I ended up in hospital a week later. She came over and stayed until two days ago. I had to twist her arm to convince her to leave.”

“Why did you?”

Stella froze. It was a good question that she wasn’t sure she had an answer to. She knew she had a tendency to push people away the more she retreated into herself in an attempt to deal with whatever was hurting her. Right now there were so many things causing her pain that she wasn’t even sure where to start processing them. She remembered Dana’s for her to talk to someone and knew that the redhead wished she could be that person for her. The truth was she was scared.

“I’m scared that if she sees too much of me she’ll leave. I don’t want to drag her down with me into this mess that I’ve created for myself.”

“What mess would that be?” Tanya asked.

Stella thought again. “My career is in a shambles. I can’t think straight much less focus on an actual task. I can’t seem to get out of this hole of misery I’ve been in since I found out I was losing my baby. And I’m not what she needs. Probably not what she really wants either. I’m not good at relationships. I’ve been on my own for so long that I barely remember how to let people in anymore.”

“All of that is fixable.” Tanya stated, causing Stella’s eyebrows to raise in surprise. “Your career may have taken a hit, but you can either work your way back from it, or you can put one of your many degrees to use to find something else if you need a change of scenery. Your head is all over the place because not only are you overwhelmed with work, but you’re grieving the loss of someone you loved. It’s normal to feel like you’re not yourself after a miscarriage, especially when you haven’t been able to take the time to process it and to mourn the loss. Throwing yourself into work may be a good distraction, but that’s all it is. It doesn’t fix anything. Talk to someone. Whether that’s your partner or a professional, you don’t have to deal with this alone, it may be better in the long run if you don’t try to cope on your own. As for your girlfriend… why not let her decide what she wants or needs. If she was willing to fly here at the drop of a hat and stay with you all this time, she obviously cares for you. It’ll be difficult, but try to let her help you.”

With that, Tanya bid her a simple goodbye and turned on her heel to leave. Stella was left stunned in her office, staring at the empty couch.

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when she reached for her phone and found the customer services number for the airline. Within five minutes, her flight had been moved up to early in the afternoon. As she gathered her belongings, her wedged her phone between her ear and her shoulder, waiting for the second of many calls to be answered.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Stella was flooded with warmth at the sound of Dana’s soft voice. It was tinged with worry and Stella couldn’t blame her, so far every call she had received in Belfast had something to do with a hospital stay.

“Hi, I’m okay. I just wanted to let you know I’m coming home earlier than planned. My flight is in a couple of hours.”

“Do you want me to pick you up?” Dana offered

Stella paused for a moment. “Can I let you know? I have some other things to rearrange. I can call you as soon as I know what I’m doing. If not I can get a taxi.”

“No it’s okay. I have no other plans. If you want a lift home, just let me know when and where to pick you up. But if you want your own space, that’s okay too.”

Stella nodded although Dana couldn’t see her and they bid each other goodbye before they hung up. Still packing with one hand, Stella dialled a third number and wedged her phone again, unsure of whether she wanted an answer this time or not.

~X~

Stella groaned as she climbed out of the cab and thanked the driver for unloading her bags before she paid him. She looked up at the townhouse in front of her and a feeling of dread settled in her stomach. She wasn’t one hundred percent sure of the last time she’d set foot in the building, though it had never been associated with good memories. Only trauma and grief.

The large door swung open before she had even reached the top of the steps and Stella gave the woman behind it a tight smile.

“Stella, it’s been a while. Come on in. You can leave your bags in the foyer.”

Stella did as she was told adding her jacket to the pile of luggage before she followed the wiry woman upstairs into a warm room with two plush armchairs.

“Can I get you a cup of tea?”

She nearly refused but quickly rethought, it would be the best distraction she was going to find. The next hour of her life was not going to be enjoyable and this was only the beginning.

She took a seat as the older woman placed the tea on the table. Stella looked across at her therapist and took a deep breath, waiting for the doctor’s gentle probing and guidance to begin.

~X~

The sight of Stella hunched in her doorway made Dana’s heart clench when the blonde opened the front door. The blonde was free of any work clothes, dressed in a pair of leggings and the hoodie she’d borrowed at the hospital. She wore no makeup and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She looked unbelievably fragile and Dana wanted nothing more than to wrap her in her arms and protect her from the world.

She guided the blonde into the cosy living room where they folded themselves into a pile of limbs, tucked into the corner of the couch with a blanket Stella seemed to produce from nowhere.

Dana was surprised at how readily Stella sought comfort from her. There was barely an inch of their bodies that weren’t touching. Their legs were intertwined and Stella’s head rested on her shoulder. It was early evening and the lamp in the corner was quickly becoming their only light source. Stella didn’t seem to notice as she burrowed under the blanket.

She had tried not to take it personally when Stella called back and turned down her offer of a ride home from the airport, citing some kind of other engagement. The afternoon had drawn on and Dana had almost resigned herself to a night alone when the phone rang again, Stella’s uncharacteristically small voice asking her to come over.

“I went to see my therapist today.” Stella admitted quietly. “It’s been years, but I think you were right. I can’t do this on my own.”

“I’m here, for whatever you need. Even if that means not talking about it right away.” Dana punctuated the words with a loving kiss to Stella’s head.

Stella nodded. “Thank you.”

Dana wouldn’t know it for a long time to come, but for the first time in weeks, Stella’s mind wasn’t spinning because of Paul Spector. Instead it was the declaration she had made in her psychiatrist’s home when asked why she was reluctant to ask Dana for help.

_‘I think I love her’_

The revelation had come as a shock to Stella and it had yet to leave her mind. It was too soon to tell Dana of her true feelings, first she had to come to terms with them herself. But she found herself praying that Dana felt the same about her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I promise thing will start to get a little less depressing soon!

**Author's Note:**

> If you got this far, please let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading <3


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